A Songwriting Session with Fall Out Boy

I posted this little number on CollegeHumor.com a couple weeks ago, but it hasn’t gotten any attention over there. It was an attempt on my part at being both funny and culturally relevant. I’m not sure it’s either.

Girly Bassist: Okay guys, we need to write another hit song.

Anonymous Drummer: Well, you’re the “genius” behind this outfit, what do you have in mind?

Girly Bassist: I think this one will be about an underage girl who only slept with me because I’m in Fall Out Boy and broke my heart. I want this song to sound like the Neptunes mixed with Michael Jackson.

Anonymous Drummer: What? What the fuck is the matter with you? Why don’t we just play it like a rock song like when we started?

Girly Bassist: Hell no! Rock is dead, douchebag. We’ve got to be as hip-hop as possible if we want to survive on the scene. Now lead me to my lounge, I’ve got lyrics to write.

Doughy Singer: Come on Pete, again? Why don’t you let one of us write the lyrics to a song for a change?

Girly Bassist: Are you kidding? None of you are as deep or as complicated as I am. Besides, you’re almost retarded; no one can tell what the fuck you’re saying anyway.

Mousy Guitarist: Now, I don’t think that’s fair…

Girly Bassist: Hey! I said ‘Only when spoken to!’ Now get back in your corner! Okay, so let’s think of a title. Should it be a line from a John Hughes movie or a half-assed pun?

Anonymous Drummer: Why don’t we make it a reference to a book that emo kids love? Like, “Holden my hand”?

Girly Bassist: That sucks. You don’t eat tonight. Wait, I’ve got it! “I’m ‘Bout to Bust a Cap from this Gatsby I’m Holden”! It’s money. What do you think, Down Syndrome?

Doughy Singer: I told you to stop calling me that. And that song title is retarded.

Girly Bassist: Pfft, what do you & your extra chromosomes know? Man, we’re gonna get so much 16 year-old pussy with this song.

Doughy Singer/Anonymous Drummer/Mousy Guitarist: … I hate this band.

Untitled

(yes, I am that pretentious as to title something “untitled;” what of it?)

Did you forget what I said?
Perhaps thinking the passage
of time would soften my convictions?
It’s no less true right now than
it was when I made you cry.
I wonder,
When we sit close,
Can you feel the strain?
Do you sense how hard I’m trying
Not to embrace you, trying
Not to kiss you, trying
Not to hold you with all the sincerity
And love I can fathom until we both
break down weeping in each other’s arms?
Can you feel that?

Are you happy?
Is that all it is?
Tell me that you’re happy
and this will all go away.
But I can’t keep this going.
Tell me that you’re happy
and this will be the last you hear of it
Tell me that you’re happy
and these can be the last words
I say to you.

Charity

So, I’ve made it abundantly clear that I’m obsessed with Guitar Hero, but few are aware that I am semi proficient at “actual” music as well. My father was a supremely talented bassist, and my brother is no slouch on bass or on guitar (he’s been at it for much longer than I though). While my forte will always be singing, I’ve been teaching myself to play guitar and bass for a little while now. Unfortunately, I cannot claim to have an instrument of my own. My access is limited to either my brother’s equipment or my roommate’s acoustic guitar (An acoustic guitar? In a college dorm room? Go on! No, really!)

Owning my own guitar has always seemed like an unattainable notion, as I never have much money and don’t know how to save any. But, that may all change this summer, as I already have a steady job and a clear goal in mind of what I want to save up for.

So, I was wondering, could anyone spot me like, $500? I swear I’m good for it.

…anybody?

…Beuller?

That is SO Raven.

Once in a while an event comes along that is so surprising, you wonder if you’re actually dreaming. Something so welcome, yet so unexpected to your undeserving little world that one may be inclined to feel giddy. One such event occurred last night.

Zach Galifianakis came to my college.

For the uninitiated, Mr. Galifianakis is a stand-up comic who’s been in movies such as Out Cold and Bubble Boy, as well as the Comedy Central documentary, The Comedians of Comedy.

To say that Zach is funny is like saying that molten lava is hot.

But don’t take my word for it, watch this:

Thank you for coming to Saint Rose, Zach. You made my semester.

Fun for the Whole Family

300 is, admittedly, not for everyone. With the wanton violence and generous helping of mammaries, it certainly earns its “R” rating. But what of the children? Won’t someone please think of the children? Well, someone did. Using some clever editing and dubbing, they have turned 300 into the family movie of the year.

For your viewing pleasure: the PG cut of 300:

Truly, this is Cake Town.