So I think I’ve ignored this blog long enough that anyone who would come here has stopped, so I can post this journal-y update with relative anonymity.
I blew an audition for the first time. I’m trying not to let it totally rob the wind from my sails, though I’m definitely hanging a few pegs lower than I was before. It had always been such an easy, natural thing that consistently yielded positive results that I never truly prepared for one. But something was different this time. I guess there were a lot of contributing factors: I was pretty indifferent about that particular show (but i’m ALWAYS indifferent about shows before I get cast in them); I wasn’t feeling particularly well that night; and in the back of my mind I was worried that i wouldn’t have the time nor the managerial dexterity to adequately handle the show, my classes, and my job. I mean, I KNOW I couldn’t handle all three, I just didn’t realize it until my audition.
In fact, I’m not sure I can juggle classes and work anymore. I wonder if it’s too late to withdraw and still get my tuition refunded.
Someone recently left a comment on one of these poems here, “The Odyssey 1st Reprieve,” that made me really proud of what I wrote. It makes me stop and wonder what happened; why I don’t write anymore. I feel like I’m out of ideas; or at least ideas that are worth expounding upon. I definitely want to write more within the context “The Odyssey” – I feel like I created a genuinely interesting dynamic between a couple in just a few poems.
I heard a Dismemberment Plan song, “Ellen and Ben,” that immediately made me think of my own fictional couple. It was a weirdly exhilarating feeling; I’ve never been able to reference something back to my own work before.
I wish I was more into songwriting. It’s hard to write complete songs though, when all you can play – and all you have access to – is a bass guitar. Do you know how complicated solo bass compositions have to be to sound good?
More than anything, I’m starting to feel stuck. My days feel like I’m walking calf-deep in molasses. I’m saving up too little money too slowly to do anything about it, though. I’m not even sure where I’d go. Back to Albany, I suppose, but how long do we want to stay up there?
Also, I think I bit my lip in my sleep because it’s swelling inexplicably. Which is doubly strange because I don’t remember sleeping last night.
Mysteries of life. Go listen to that Dismemberment Plan song I mentioned.
