Memorandum

The real world is no place for a writer to thrive.

this is not a suicide note, by the way.

An honest-to-blog All-Nighter

I stayed up all night alongside the editorial crew of CollegeHumor, “studying” and having as much fun as a webcam and live chat will allow. To commemorate the event, I wrote this article detailing all the things I’ll forever take away from the epic 12-hour fun-fest.

Now excuse me while I pass the fuck out.

More Tips for Easy Living

Gentlemen, masturbation is a healthy and wonderful way to kill some time before bed. Or before lunch. Or right after lunch. Or before class, after class, after dinner, before dinner, when you wake up, and after masturbating. Of course, proper lotion or lubricant isn’t always readily available, and we sometimes have to improvise, and in a pinch there are many options available. But if I may, don’t masturbate with your regular body wash. It’ll get the job done, don’t get me wrong, but every time you shower you’ll end up wondering if you actually smell clean, or just stink of your own self-love.

Think about it.

Guitar Hero Etiquette

It’s been fairly well established that Guitar Hero is around to stay.The game is a near-universally enjoyable way to kill an afternoon or evening with your friends. Oftentimes entire parties are centered around the game, bringing a whole new social slant to playing the game. Whether you’re playing with a partner, against an opponent, or flying solo in front of adoring spectators, I think it’s time some basic rules of etiquette and common courtesy were laid out to make Guitar Hero fun and enjoyable for all involved.

• Establish Order of Turns. This is obvious, and should be gotten out of the way immediately. Especially if only one controller is available. Have co-op partners pair off early, and have Pro Face-Off challengers sign up, a la beer pong. (This really only applies to larger gatherings; groups of 5 or less need not adhere.)

• Limit Re-Tries. No one wants to watch someone fail a song 4 times in a row. Try this as a rule of thumb: If a player fails a song before reaching 50% Completion, allow one re-try. If they fail at 51% or later, that’s their turn.

• No Repeat Songs.This isn’t Top 40 radio; no one wants to hear the same songs over and over. If a song you wanted to play has already been done, allow a buffer of at least 5 songs before selecting it. If a song you wanted to play has already been done twice, forget it. There are 50 songs to choose from; don’t just play “Jessica” nine times.

• Don’t Backseat Play.If you know the tricky strumming pattern, or the fact that it’s easier to anchor the index finger on the red for this passage, keep it to yourself. If the player hasn’t asked for your help, they don’t want it. And for God’s sake, don’t drum out the strumming pattern on your lap.

• Don’t Hog one Guitar. Unless the room is trying one-by-one to unseat a current champion, no one single person should bogart one controller for 3 songs in a row. This includes the host, or whoever owns the game or controllers.

• Avoid “Freebird.” Unless there’s only a couple hardcore players left around, or you’ve been playing tourney-style and Freebird is the ominous, looming final round, steer clear of this 10-minute test of the rest of the room’s patience.

• Showmanship, People!Don’t just stand there like you’re in the Dandy Warhols; Rock out! There’s a reason they made that wonderful little plastic Gibson, folks. Jump around! Bang your head! Get funky.

Of course, once Rock Band comes out, all bets are off.

I mean… “what?”

I’m confounded by the roller coaster-esque way the views for my blog are fluctuating day to day (yesterday i had six hits; today: fifty-five!) And damn it, I want to know why.  So i want all who read this to go to the comment section and tell me how you got here, whether or not you’re a regular reader, and of course, what you think of all you’ve seen here. Do it up!

Right Into Their Hands

I’ve noticed that advertisements have begun using a strange, abstract sense of humor to push their products. I can understand the appeal behind such humor, but I have yet to see why it is becoming so popular.

I think it began with the master of the odd commercials, Skittles.

This ad has seemed to spawn a mammoth campaign of irreverent advertising both within and outside of the Skittles company. For a while, Skittles had a corner on this market, with commercials ranging from using diminutive men to catch a “skittles leak” to a man trading his skittles for a slightly unsettling singing bunny.

But all of a sudden, we have a head-scratchingly random ad from Starburst:

And an obnoxious series of ads from Hot Pockets:

But why? Why this sudden interest in random, obscure humor? I’ve been doing random & obscurely funny things for years now, with little recognition. I’ve heard the phrase “forced meme” brought up when discussing ads like these, and after looking up the definition of “meme“, have concluded that this is the old-school advertisers way of getting in on viral marketing: make commercials so odd hat it prompts folks to record them and post them on the internet to share with their friends (a strange concept, considering that they’re commercials and their friends are bound to see them eventually) , and so people post them on YouTube and blog about them, much like I’m… doing…

…shit.

Well played, Skittles. You and your singing bunny have won this round.

Well played indeed.

Clearly Unititled

I just noticed the racism inherent to the game “Pink Belly.”

Someone left me a comment here and called me Weatherman. And at first I didn’t know why.

Corona is officially the least enjoyable beer on the market. Cutting up limes and getting them into a bottle is far too cumbersome for someone who is tired and would like nothing more than the simple pleasure of getting hammered: “Stick the lime in the beer. Now cover it with your thumb.” Like This? “No, cover the whole top! Now turn it upside down. Hey, hey! you’re spilling it! Just flip it back over.” It just sprayed all over me! “I said slowly!” I hate this beer. A beer requiring steps beyond “open” and “consume” is not worth the effort.

Having an entire book of poems in which every piece is titled “Structure of the Embryonic Rat Brain” is just about the coolest thing I’ve heard of. So, way to go Chris Janke, I guess.

A Haiku.

I enjoy Haikus
But they’re easy to screw up
Without me noticing.

A Songwriting Session with Fall Out Boy

I posted this little number on CollegeHumor.com a couple weeks ago, but it hasn’t gotten any attention over there. It was an attempt on my part at being both funny and culturally relevant. I’m not sure it’s either.

Girly Bassist: Okay guys, we need to write another hit song.

Anonymous Drummer: Well, you’re the “genius” behind this outfit, what do you have in mind?

Girly Bassist: I think this one will be about an underage girl who only slept with me because I’m in Fall Out Boy and broke my heart. I want this song to sound like the Neptunes mixed with Michael Jackson.

Anonymous Drummer: What? What the fuck is the matter with you? Why don’t we just play it like a rock song like when we started?

Girly Bassist: Hell no! Rock is dead, douchebag. We’ve got to be as hip-hop as possible if we want to survive on the scene. Now lead me to my lounge, I’ve got lyrics to write.

Doughy Singer: Come on Pete, again? Why don’t you let one of us write the lyrics to a song for a change?

Girly Bassist: Are you kidding? None of you are as deep or as complicated as I am. Besides, you’re almost retarded; no one can tell what the fuck you’re saying anyway.

Mousy Guitarist: Now, I don’t think that’s fair…

Girly Bassist: Hey! I said ‘Only when spoken to!’ Now get back in your corner! Okay, so let’s think of a title. Should it be a line from a John Hughes movie or a half-assed pun?

Anonymous Drummer: Why don’t we make it a reference to a book that emo kids love? Like, “Holden my hand”?

Girly Bassist: That sucks. You don’t eat tonight. Wait, I’ve got it! “I’m ‘Bout to Bust a Cap from this Gatsby I’m Holden”! It’s money. What do you think, Down Syndrome?

Doughy Singer: I told you to stop calling me that. And that song title is retarded.

Girly Bassist: Pfft, what do you & your extra chromosomes know? Man, we’re gonna get so much 16 year-old pussy with this song.

Doughy Singer/Anonymous Drummer/Mousy Guitarist: … I hate this band.

Fun for the Whole Family

300 is, admittedly, not for everyone. With the wanton violence and generous helping of mammaries, it certainly earns its “R” rating. But what of the children? Won’t someone please think of the children? Well, someone did. Using some clever editing and dubbing, they have turned 300 into the family movie of the year.

For your viewing pleasure: the PG cut of 300:

Truly, this is Cake Town.